Welcome to an archive of my 2016/2017 course (originally published on Teachable here), introducing what was once called Curious Experiments with the Semi-Scientific Method – where I taught students to use curiosity as their guide, think like a scientist, and choose their first experiment, set the duration, observe, and begin again after adjusting the variables.
This piece is from the script for video three, where we get into what it looks like to think like a scientist. Please enjoy my early efforts! See the first installment here: Trust Yourself and the second installment here: Life’s Purpose
Now let’s delve into the power of choosing what perspective we see challenges from, and get to brainstorming our next life experiment. What does it mean to think like a scientist?
Choose fun & curiosity over fear.
When you choose to see life as an experiment, your perspective changes from having set expectations and rigid definitions of success to a lens of discovery and interest where you’re excited to find out what’s possible.
Instead of feeling afraid of what might happen – choose to focus on the positive things that could happen.
Better yet – start doing whatever your brain’s been tossin’ around and you won’t have to imagine the outcomes – you’ll be learning and enjoying by bringing your thoughts into action – or going from passive to active.
Thinking of life as a series of experiments, where we aren’t sure of the outcome, and that’s Ok, relieves some of the pressure of “getting things right.”
In scientific experiments, we start with a hypothesis, an idea that we want to prove wrong. Anyone can look for evidence to prove themselves right and find it. It’s only when we are willing to and desiring to find out where our ideas can be expanded that we stay curious and receptive to the world.
Connecting to your loving center is the biggest achievement possible.
Back up from your projects and interests. Take a look at life from the perspective of your higher goals. Isn’t your real goal related to taking in all life has to offer, to give and receive love, to connect with other energies, or with your deeper purpose?
You are constantly being presented with the opportunity to fulfill those goals, with each decision, with each encounter, you can choose loving over fear. There’s no failing at this either, because each flex of your heart muscle makes you stronger.
Remember your higher goals, and feel the satisfaction of knowing you can always set out to live your values and achieve life goals, even when your project-oriented goals might not turn out like you imagined. Stay curious, enjoy the journey, and keep your eyes open for gifts in disguise.
QUESTION:
Here’s another question I want you let go through you:
How would it feel to try things out without the pressure of getting things right or being perfect?
Start where you are with what you have & take action.
After studying theatre arts in school, Amanda Palmer started her career as a street busker. She created a silent statue character called the 8-foot-tall bride. She knew what she loved doing, and put herself out there in a way that didn’t require many resources beyond her own talent and skills and the courage to be vulnerable.
Amanda kept following her inspiration, making new connections with other artists, and eventually evolved into who she is today, and she’ll keep evolving. This is a great example of starting where you are with what you have and taking action.
Release your expectations of who you should be, what you should do, or what might come of your actions, and relax into actually being and doing.
Notice the difference between how it feels to be in the passive state of “thinking about doing something” and the active state of actually doing the thing. What are you thinking about during both of those states of being? How do they feel? Where do you feel compelled to keep moving and where do you feel stuck in molasses?
It’s fine to start off generally, with the basics, and become a master of the fine arts later.
Let’s say you want to build a business – think about what you already know how to do.
- What skills and interests do you have?
- What tools you possess?
- What resources can you tap into?
Start there. Don’t look at those folks who are beyond where you’re at and think you have to start where they are. Nope, that’s not where they started.
Stop comparing, and start creating.
Do you really want to keep telling yourself you’ll be ready after you’ve taken one more class or lost 5 more pounds? No way, babe. I wanna see what you got right now.
You can take the class too, but it’s not a substitute for getting yourself out there and testing the waters. Wherever you’re at, you can take action. Soon, you’ll be 10x further than when you started, and starting with what you have will look totally different at that point.
Drop your walls and get vulnerable here. Show me that messy good stuff – that beauty and brilliance you’ve been hiding away. I see you.
Consider what cycle of life you’re in right now.
If you’re in breakdown and healing mode, you’ll choose a different topic than if you’re in a more energetic mode. Being productive can mean many things. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a child. There are weeks at a time when I just can’t put myself out there in the world. I have systems in place for when I require periods of regeneration and healing.
Health and well-being is always a top priority. I’m a top priority. Without me, this train ain’t going nowhere.
Even when we’re not tending to a big to-do list, we’re being productive. Emotional work is real work. Caring for ourselves and our families is real work. Being productive might mean healing; you might be in a cocoon. Being productive can look like being there for a friend. Our world wouldn’t exist without these types of labor.
Honor where you’re at in life. If you already have a full plate of projects, you may want to choose a less time-consuming topic to experiment with this time, or choose something you’re already working on. Use this process to bring it into focus and examine it from a new perspective.
We have a tendency to view work as activities we’re paid for, but anything that takes focus, time, and energy is work. Acknowledge all the work you do every day – even when the pay is personal growth, healing, or love, instead of money. The more you honor all parts and pieces of you, the more energy you have to put into the world.
Wherever you’re at is just right!
One of the MOST important things about feeling confident and moving forward is radical acceptance. Accepting who you are, where you are, and the challenges you have, and just leaning in – not resisting it. Radically accepting what exists and wrapping it all in a blanket of compassion.
Don’t feel bad if you’ve been hard on yourself – it’s human to be self-critical. Everything you’ve been experiencing, and will experience, it’s all human. You’re never alone.
Transform thought into action.
See what’s possible. What happens when you take actions on your thoughts and dreams will far exceed anything you could imagine.
Are you excited? GET EXCITED! There’s so much possibility.
Brainstorm Preparation
This is where some of us get caught up. How do we know what we should do next?
What’s most important?
What will I enjoy?
What will bring me the results I’m looking for?
The answer to all of these questions is try it and see. It’s your life – you’re blazing your own path here. You can learn from others’ stories of how they did it, you can study the greats and absorb a breadth of knowledge about your interests, but to really push through to the next level of being requires you to live and take risks.
I want you to brainstorm a list of things you might want to do as an experiment right now. It could be a personal development project you’ve been thinking about, maybe you want to cultivate a state of compassion or non-judgment.
If you’re not sure where you want to start – I’ve created a list of inquiries to help you find clarity on what you want and where you’re at. Self-inquiry is a habit that requires tending. It’s the best way to reveal what makes us tick.
Use these questions anytime you want to reset your priorities.
- What are you current priorities in life/love/work?
- What are your biggest challenges?
- What do you feel is holding you back?
- What are you curious about?
- How is your energy?
- What could you do to increase your energy?
- What’s on your plate right now? Include emotional labor and caregiving. What can you give up to make room for what you want?
- What do you want?
Your list might be full of big, bold choices. Maybe you already have a plate full of courageous things you’re doing, and you chose to do something easy and light like I did. Either way – you’re getting in touch with your own needs and desires. You’re making the choice to do what’s best for you.
Let’s take a look at the example worksheet I filled out for you.
Step 8. Choose your first experiment!
Now look at your brainstorm list of topics and choose 3-4 you might want to experiment with right now.
Don’t let this step hold you back. You can always choose another thing to explore after you give this topic a whirl for whatever specified period of time you choose. Choose quickly and flow on.
Take the topics you have remaining and put them in a list in order of priority. Take these topics and put them in order of priority. Think about what your goal is here. Do you want more fun in your life, are you expanding your business, developing new habits or characteristics.
ACTION RECAP
We brainstormed a list of options for a life experiment, narrowed it down, prioritized the list, and chose one topic to focus on for a specified period of time.
CONGRATULATIONS!! How do you feel?
You’ve completed this minicourse now. How does it feel? Are you excited to move forward with your experiment? Do you feel more confident, more at ease in your own skin? I’d love to know how you’re feeling and what you’ll be doing next.
Remember, this is a journey. We aren’t waiting to achieve something, or be something, to decide we’re happy or worthy. How you see your life now, will be how you see your life when you achieve anything. So focus energy on letting go of expectations of how you should be, or how life should be, and appreciate this moment.
We all have pain, loneliness, shame, heartaches, and loss. These experiences are part of our journey. We never get “lost” on our journey. Sometimes we hike off the path to explore caverns and tunnels. They can be dark places where our fears hide. These too are productive times on our journey.
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Life Experiments with the Semi-Scientific Method,
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I’m embarrassed to share this, but I have 65K words in a Scrivener database and 80 unseen blog post drafts collecting dust in WordPress. If I want to overcome perfection and finally hit “publish,” then I’ve got some work to do.
Hiding is painful, yet reasonable excuses are endless. If we don’t challenge these reasons for hoarding our creativity, we might end up buried alive in manuscripts and brilliant but fading pages.
Overcome Perfectionism and Writer’s Block
To free the mind and body of the constriction perfectionism places on them, we must create movement and flow. Let’s dig into these actionable tips and resources and overcome perfectionism together.
1. Change How You See Your Inner Critic
What if you could push that inner critic down so far back into the shadows she’d find those single lost socks you haven’t seen since 2011? Maybe that’s what causes writer’s block. You successfully strangle the inner enemy and the unexpected side effect is the silencing of creativity.
What if your inner critic wasn’t your enemy at all? What if a little love and compassion could make that critical voice softer and more secure?
When we seek to numb or quash the parts of ourselves we aren’t so keen on, we also suffocate the brilliant and joyous aspects. To overcome perfectionism and produce work we can feel happy with, we must give the inner critic a good dose of compassion and change how we respond to tough emotions.
Find out more about healing your inner critic…
2. Address Imposter Syndrome by Dancing the 2-Step
In the podcast The Long and the Short of It, Pete Sheppard suggests using the Imposter Two-Step to get past the ubiquitous Imposter Syndrome.
Step 1 – Ask yourself what the critical voice is saying. Step 2 – Respond to that inner voice with your truth.
Don’t let those thoughts take up space without addressing them. Sometimes confronting these doubts head-on is just what’s needed to diminish their power over your choices. I highly recommend listening to the linked podcast episode on this topic.
3. Know Your Value is Not Dependent on Achievement and Mastery Requires Practice
Intellectually, we can be aware that worth isn’t dependent on what one accomplishes, but the subconscious mind may be running on outdated beliefs that anything less than perfect is a failure. This part of ourselves needs a reminder that practice promises improvement, not perfection.
You may be naturally good at many things. You may not even have to try very hard to be good at most things. Practice is something even brilliant artists need to become masters of their craft. Know that anything new requires effort and mistakes.
Really take a few moments to sit with this thought – without doing or achieving anything, you are worthy of love, respect, kindness, and patience. Give those things to yourself and the grip of perfectionism will loosen.
4. Mistakes Can Be How Progress is Made
There’s no avoiding making mistakes. Instead of trying to subvert the inevitable, work like a scientist.
Scientists don’t set out to prove themselves right, that would lead to uninformed conclusions. They create a hypothesis and try to prove it wrong. This is how discoveries are made.
We experiment and improve by figuring out where we went wrong and observing what worked. Make mistakes and you’re making progress!
5. Overcome Perfectionism by Creating Community
Interrupt the cognitive dissonance of unrealistic standards by enlisting outside reviewers you can trust at every stage of the writing process.
Have a couple of writer friends look at an early draft. Get a fellow blogger, author or freelancer to check out your midpoint work. When it’s in the final stages, have a mentor or senior writer give their input.
This won’t be necessary for every piece of work you do, but it can certainly help move your greater works along the pipeline and give you valuable skills and connections too.
For more details on this step, check out Kerry Ann Rockquemore’s invaluable advice on writing and procrastination here.
6. Know your writing process and set realistic expectations. Avoid procrastination.
[x_pullquote cite=”Kerry Ann Rockquemore ” type=”left”]For most writers this involves a process of initial drafting, editing, sharing, discussing, revising, presenting, more revising, and submitting. If you can get clear about what your actual process looks like … then you can start to have realistic expectations about each stage of the process and your timelines for finishing manuscripts.[/x_pullquote]
Structure and self- awareness will free your mind from unrealistic expectations and help you have a better relationship with time. We often overestimate how much we can get done in the time we have available. This can cause stress, procrastination, and burnout.
Give yourself more time than you need for projects and become mindful of how much time each step of your writing process requires.
7. Create a mind-map
Maybe you’re like me, and you’re a visual-thinker. Create a mind map to visualize all that’s involved in your topic. Plot out the main idea and branch off into questions, answers, problems, and related ideas.
If you’re feeling blocked, this could be just the thing to get those wheels turning again. You could even include the visual in your published post or article.
8. Freewrite first
Do you find it easy to write inspired Facebook comments or insightful journal entries, but when you go to write a blog post or academic paper you freeze? Capture that feeling of spontaneous flow anytime using the freewrite method.
Don’t censor your words or think about the purpose of your writing. Let anything and everything flow from you. This intuitive rhythm of writing will undoubtedly produce something you can incorporate or massage into a rough draft.
Overthinking and imposing unnecessary structure on your creative mind can halt the process of developing ideas. Let go and free those words.
Learn more about free-writing here.
9. Create a recipe for focus
Use a timer or word count motivation to put some fun and excitement into drafting written works. Let music trigger your creative process. Set up a recipe for success and do it every time you sit down to write. D. Allision Lee wrote an excellent blog post about staying focused while writing here.
When I hit play on my Vaporwave playlist, that first song immediately gets me into a writing groove. If you write regularly and pair it with a set of habits, like playing a particular playlist, you’re tapping into the power of your adaptive unconscious. Focus can become second nature when it’s a learned practice.
10. Don’t edit until you have distance from your writing
Han Solo in Carbonite by William Warby
Don’t read your writing until the next day, the next week, or at least a few hours later. Distance = objectivity.
I tend to write a sentence and immediately read it over, obsessing over each word, immersing myself in the piece so inextricably I feel as though I’m Han Solo in carbonite.
For the love of muffins, do not take that route if you want to overcome perfectionism.
[x_blockquote cite=”Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird” type=”left”]Of course there will always be more you can do, but you have to remind yourself that perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.[/x_blockquote]
11. Soothe Your Nervous System
If you’re really stuck – your body may be the answer.
I’ll wager while you’re in the grip of an episode of self-critical brain freeze your body is also feeling tense. You might be holding your breath and sitting for hours with your shoulders up to your ears.
Those deeply embedded fears of not being good enough are stored in your body as sensory memories. To change your response mentally, try responding to emotions in a new way physically.
Practice breathwork, meditation, and somatic experiencing. Make these beautiful practices part of your every day, and you may notice a new you forming.
12. Change creative mediums
Take a break from writing and make a collage, draw the tree outside your window, do a little karaoke or have a dance party. Any creative activity can get your writing juices flowing.
Try switching from typing at your computer to handwriting. When done writing, edit in a new location. Anything that forces the brain to switch gears can dig you out of a snowbank of perfectionism or writer’s block.
[x_blockquote cite=”Marsha Sinetar, Ordinary People as Monks and Mystics” type=”left”]By relaxing our grip on the inordinate need for perfection we create a better emotional atmosphere to experience actualization.[/x_blockquote]
Overcoming perfectionism and developing creative flow is a journey that requires patience, practice, time, and often silence.
In this silence, we go inside ourselves and learn the skills of self-trust and self-acceptance. We integrate our strengths and weaknesses into a realistic concept of our whole self. This is the core of how to overcome perfectionism.
Let me know in the comments what your favorite tips from the post were and if you have anything you’d like to add.
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To-do lists and schedules can be used as tools of control. That’s how it started for me. I had to wake myself up and get ready for school every day as a child. I started doing my own laundry at five years old and making my meals shortly thereafter. These early years of struggle are what led me to create the concept of mindful productivity.
I’ve been honing my systems and schedules since that tender time and healing the wounds of neglect by learning how to let love guide all I am.
Without self-compassion and mindful awareness, routines and productivity will always be a band-aid for what really needs our loving attention.
Mindful productivity is compassionate awareness.
When emotions have you in a whirlwind or you have limited choices available, controlling what you can might feel like the best thing to do. It feels like if you don’t take control, everything will fall apart. Do you ever really feel in control this way?
Checking things off the list provides a shot of dopamine, like coffee or wine, like a kiss or dancing. When you feel lost, dopamine helps you find yourself for one fleeting second. You allow yourself a brief bask in the feeling of worthiness having “done” something affords you.
What happens when you don’t achieve? What about when you need help or feel exhausted? Are you then worthless, broken, incapable? Do you feel unlovable?
Mindful productivity grows unconditional love.
Being an over-achiever is how many of us define our worth on a regular basis, especially if you’re a highly sensitive person or multipotentialite (someone who is good at many things).
The truth is, life doesn’t require us to achieve anything to be valuable.
It’s easy to incorporate pieces of our experience into our vision of who we are or desire to be. Feeling depressed, being in a relationship, or being a meditator might feel like a rewarding or familiar identity to inhabit.
You are none of those things. They are feelings and activities to experience and passing moments that fade with time. They are not who you are at your core. We must shed what has defined us in the past to see ourselves as whole in this moment.
Mindful productivity is letting go of control.
When I let go, I become present. Intuition takes over. I feel supported. I trust in and follow the flow where it takes me. I spend more time listening, observing, and responding instead of reacting.
To get to this space, I have to face my fears. I have to want peace and joy more than I fear feeling vulnerable.
What is it you really want? Do you want to be seen, to create meaning from suffering, to feel valuable or important?
We all want to make a vital contribution. We want to know our dreams and desires are obtainable. Often we’re so busy trying to be what others desire, we’re not sure of our own wants.
Underneath societal conditioning and a variety of masks we wear, we lay vulnerable and hopeful with enormous power to create beauty and open ourselves to love.
Mindful productivity is both practical and profound.
As we explore who we are and what we need without judgment, we begin to soften – anxiety lessens, time becomes less threatening and more friendly. We can breathe in any moment and not be afraid of missing something. We feel connected, invigorated, and able to fulfill our needs and desires by taking action.
Mindful Productivity is about revealing who you are underneath the layers of protection. You begin to honor that person by reverently tending to your needs without judgment.
We develop a deep trust in ourselves by showing this level of care. You commit to befriending your fearful and resilient heart with the devotion and compassion for which it yearns.
When we need advice on how to be more productive, it’s easy to find a structure for goal-setting and getting organized. Highly sensitive people need more than templates. We need to connect these tools to our beliefs, emotional habits, and daily practices.
Mindful productivity is a path to connect us to what matters most. While we establish routines and rituals that make the most of our time, we also transform how we see ourselves and the world around us. We’re creating more time to live the life we have stirring inside.
It has come to my attention materials, texts, and frameworks strikingly similar to those presented here and in my mini-course Get Started, Get Going, the corresponding worksheets, and my newsletter content, have appeared elsewhere. This matter is being addressed. You can find my original materials here and the continued development of those concepts and materials at my new blog: Truth, Beauty, Meaning.
Do you self-sabotage by underestimating how much time you need to get things done?
One of the biggest causes of overwhelm is underestimating how much time a task will actually take to complete, and taking on too much as a result.
Before I paused my coaching practice to focus on creating online courses, I had a client who consistently didn’t allow enough time to complete her big dream projects, thus setting herself up for disappointment and overwhelm.
She wanted to launch a podcast and gave herself one week to locate and price a recording studio and complete five interviews, which had not yet been scheduled. She didn’t consider many of the other tasks that go along with starting a new podcast such as, setting it up with iTunes, creating a home for it on a website, writing the questions and plotting out the storyline and theme, etc.
This wasn’t the only project she was underestimating. She had previously planned to create an opt-in, have her web person program a pop-up, create a landing page, and send out an email to a cold list of subscribers all while she was working on a deadline writing project from a client. On top of all that, she was coming down with the flu. She gave herself three days to do this, without considering the emotional work and day to day stuff she had to do.
Does this sound familiar? We all do this at times. Time management is a multi-faceted skill set with deep emotional ties for some of us.
Could the Issue Be Fear-Based?
There are emotional and logistical factors involved in estimating the scope and weight of any project you take on.
Emotionally, we create situations that seem familiar or reinforce our long-held limiting beliefs about ourselves. If you have a belief that you’re “not good enough,” taking on too much may serve to confirm that belief.
If you’re used to being under stress and pressure, you may overload your schedule because it feels familiar, even if it’s not serving your new goals and beliefs.
There can be many emotional payoffs for staying in overwhelm. My client was setting herself up for failure, she could confirm her long-standing beliefs that she was unworthy of success.
You may be saying to yourself, “Why would anyone want themselves to fail?”
Think about how much more comfortable known disappointment is versus the fear involved with succeeding and entering an unknown world of challenges and vulnerability. Clinging to limiting beliefs, and staying in a state of overwhelm, may seem more comfortable to our subconscious minds.
Logistically, my client didn’t have a system for estimating just how much work she was committing herself to, and how to realistically set aside time for the tasks. She needed to slow down, do a little planning before committing to a project or deadline, and establish a visual way to see where her time was going.
Do You Want to Stop Taking on Too Much at Once? WATCH THIS VIDEO.
With a few practices that elevate your self-awareness, you can start to know exactly how much time you have for new projects and identify your personal working style.
I’ve been using the same system for over a decade to help me estimate how much time I really have available and the amount of time and energy new tasks will require from me.
How to Do This For Yourself
It starts with setting realistic, yet ambitious goals, then break them down into next actions.
If you’re doing something for the first time, you likely can’t predict every step or action needed to complete the project. You may just have to jump in there and try it out. You will soon see more of the picture as you start doing.
For example, my partner is new to pitching freelance writing prospects. He set aside one hour for researching companies to send cold emails to. When he actually did the task, he realized it was going to take more work.
He broke down “researching companies” into smaller next actions. He had to dig deeper than finding a general email address and find the right person to send the email to, someone who could be a contact for him.
I suggested he envision what else may need to be done in this process. He would need to draft the pitch email, consider what areas of the email would change for each pitch, edit the final drafts, format them in the email program he’d use. While he was waiting for responses, he would need to draft and edit a follow-up email. I also suggested before he starts this process, he set up a spreadsheet to collect the information he would need to track his pitches and responses.
What he originally estimated to be a one-hour job was actually a two-week sprint. He would set aside 1-2 hours, every other day, for the next two weeks, not including the waiting period for responses, on his Google Calendar.
When he thought the project would only take one hour, and he failed to achieve what was planned, it was disappointing, even a little deflating. Now he feels confident he can accomplish the project, and do a great job, in the time he’s earmarked.
Is the Effort Worth It?
When you’re doing something new, fear and doubt will often linger around your head. You’re making new neural connections, establishing new habits and ways of seeing. It takes extra time and focus to get new habits going. Be persistent. Don’t give up because it takes extra effort to start something new. Your effort will pay off in no time, and you’ll have the new skill of being the master of how you spend your time.
What goal or project are you going to break down into next actions and plot on your calendar? Let me know in the comments. Have you tried this system or another system? I’d love to hear about it!
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Perfectionism is a stealthy beast. It puts a strain on bodily systems and cripples self-worth. It’s a fractured lens through which to see the world.
The perfectionism lens can make us think we, and others, need to live up to specific expectations of what being human “should” look like.
There is no “should.” There is no one way for a human to be.
Self-Acceptance is the Key to Achieving Goals
We’re each on a journey, walking alongside one another with paths intersecting. We pick up tools as we walk which help us to see in new ways.
Inside each of us exists polarities and paradox. We would like the world to see us as one way, but there’s always an opposite within us that we must also embrace.
We all have ignorance, anger, and pain. There is no possibility of knowing everything or being perfect. Striving to be something other than what you are will keep you from appreciating and sharing your unique gifts.
Nature isn’t perfect, and She doesn’t strive. We too are nature.
I love this passage from Ordinary People as Monks and Mystics by Marsha Sinetar. It traces a bit of the root of perfectionism, a belief system we’ve all experienced as humans being, and presents an alternative to striving.
Release Perfectionism and Embrace Compassion
Be gentle with yourself. If you hold an achievement-based sense of self-love, you may feel your worth is in the efforts you put forth. Nothing can change your worth. We are all equal here, with or without achievements or specific qualities.
Exchange the perfectionism lens for the compassion lens. Instead of striving to be perfect, allow yourself to experience self-acceptance and compassion.
Empathy, fierce compassion, and persistence can create lasting changes and dynamic ripples in all the lives you touch. Your imperfection can create space for connection and understanding.
Whenever I feel judgment and perfectionism creeping into my perspective, I remind myself my goal is connection and compassion. We don’t need to be perfect, we just need to take care.
Mantra Practice
So many personal development courses online prey upon our feeling something is wrong with us, promising quick changes and leaning on insecurities to sell products. They sell the idea we need to change ourselves to be acceptable or whole.
I believe when we let ourselves be, we make room for love. Love may not be all we need to make positive changes in ourselves and the world, but without it, we have no starting point.
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Have you ever felt so upset by an argument with your loved one or friend it made your work-day suffer? You felt distracted, exhausted, and totally preoccupied with what you said or wished you said. When you went to bed that night, thoughts of the day bounced around in your head keeping you awake, starting a cycle that would continue to haunt you the next day.
Our emotions can overwhelm us in many scenarios throughout the day. In the moment, it can feel so urgent and important that you resolve these feelings somehow or you just can’t focus on anything else.
We’ve all been there.
If we aren’t too busy being taken down by our intense emotions, we may learn to see them for what they are – passing exclamations of our experience, secrets telling us how we see the world and what we want or don’t want.
We all have powerful emotional responses to particular triggers, but we don’t want them to keep us from creating and loving life. To learn to let go in the moment and accept what is with a sense of peace, we need to expand our self-awareness and the space between intention and action.
Why Is It So Hard to Change Emotional Patterns?
Emotional reactions are automated by our brain. It’s like riding a bike. Once we learn how to ride, it becomes automatic. We don’t need to focus as much attention on that particular process. We see situations that seem familiar, a chemical release is triggered in our amygdala, and the automatic response is set into motion.
We’ve got to throw a stick in the spokes to get our brains to respond in a new way. This requires us to intentionally examine those automatic reactions, becoming aware of how we’re feeling and creating a space where we can objectively choose how to respond. This is what neuroplasticity is – changing the structure of the brain, or neural patterns, through objective observation and intentional actions.
The Magic Happens Between Intention and Action
The gap between intention and action is where you meet yourself deeply. The wider we can make this gap, the more time you have to consider how to respond to a trigger that sets off your emotional patterns.
Our automated responses are fueled by our stories. Fear, pain, and unmet needs burn in this space. When we don’t look at these painful feelings and treat them with love and compassion, we continue to react to triggers in defensive and protective modes. This space between intention and action also contains vast beauty, meaning, and the opportunity to be vulnerable and open to yourself and others deeply.
We will often do anything to avoid looking at our true pain. It may be because it’s too much to hold, and we have other things on our plate. We might be fighting for survival. You will heal when you are ready. Practice these exercises with a gentle, loving heart. Take it easy, and trust in yourself.
The process of changing any habit is awkward until it becomes second nature. The first step is setting your intention and committing, and recommitting, to the process. By practicing new ways of seeing and being, your growing awareness will open up a new world of understanding. Hang in there! It’s worth it! You’ll be able to use these skills throughout your life. We never stop growing.
The Goal is to Respond Rather than React
There are constant opportunities to change how we react to stimulus throughout the day. When someone judges us, we may react with defensiveness or turn inward and judge ourselves. A person might be obnoxious on the phone when we call customer service. It is possible to choose to take a deep breath, let go, and even laugh. We don’t have to hold on to what pains us by reacting negatively.
When we welcome whatever happens into our experience as if it was meant to be there, we make space for life and possibility – even when it’s not expected or preferred. Pushing experiences away only makes the pain more powerful. Accepting things we can’t control, and letting go of control, with a relaxed, compassionate heart will completely change your perspective.
This doesn’t mean all strong responses are inappropriate. Fighting for justice requires us to have fierce compassion. As Jack Kornfield tells us in his blog post Responding with Love and Courage, when we are working towards saving our own lives, or the lives of others, we stand up with strength and vigor. Anger is an appropriate response to certain situations, but it’s not a self-righteous anger. To work in this way requires just as much work on our self-awareness, practice in letting go, and developing keen clarity of purpose and action.
How Exactly Does One Become More Self-Aware and Intentional?
Self-awareness is the key to making that space between our triggers and how we choose to respond wider and more peaceful. There are many things we can observe about ourselves and how we interact with the world around us. When we illuminate our self-knowledge, we also expand our awareness of our connection to all other things and people.
I’ve created a journaling worksheet based on multiple exercises from the book Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman, and from insights collected from live talks by Tara Brach. It can be downloaded here.
The worksheet will take you through steps to practice to create more space around your emotions and understand why you do what you do. Doing these exercises will help you choose actions and responses that bring you closer to your values and goals.
Do You Want Your Emotions to Control You or Inform You?
Emotions play a part in everything we do. If we’re not intentional, emotions can run our lives for us. They can take us on a wild ride in a fictional reality, keeping us from being truly present in the moment. Taking a look into our darkness, exposing our faults and vulnerabilities, can be terrifying, not to mention exhausting. It’s a lifetime process, and it begins right now.
Meet yourself deeply, and you’ll be able to see others with the same depth and compassion. Give yourself the love and respect you need and want. Slow down, respond to emotional triggers with intention, and have power over what you spend time and energy thinking about and doing.
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